Heart of Disaster: A Titanic Novel of love and loss Read online

  “No, I haven’t. I should but…” Kate didn’t want to see the list. Not seeing Daniel and Seamus’s name on it would make it final. At least now she could cling to some hope. The man’s intake of breath made her look to the sea. Another ship, smaller in size, had arrived on scene.

  “That’s the Californian. They say she was the ship nearest us last night. Her captain decided it wasn’t safe to travel through the night. Not given the reports of ice.”

  Kate looked at the ship. Did it hold more survivors? She stared at it waiting. The man moved away to speak to an officer of the Carpathia. Kate’s hopes died. It was obvious nobody was being transferred from the ship.

  The man came back. “The crew told me Captain Rostron will say some prayers here and then head back to New York and leave the Californian to search for more survivors.”

  “You mean like a mass?”

  “No just prayers. Someone suggesting singing but that made some of the First Class ladies cry even more.”

  Kate could understand why. She didn’t think she would be able to listen to any music again without remembering the sound of the band on the Titanic.

  Despite her anger at God, Kate attended the prayer service and was glad she did. Although very sad, there was barely a dry eye on the ship, for some reason it made her feel a bit better. Cathy missed it. She was still sleeping.

  “Let her rest before she has to deal with the reality of losing her brother,” Mrs. McKenna said.

  Chapter 49

  T heir new cabin was quite small, but Delia didn’t care. So long as Conor was with her, she would cope with anything. She glanced at the doctor, he looked drawn and haggard.

  “Thank you, doctor, for taking such good care of my husband.”

  “Mrs. Brennan, you should prepare yourself.”

  Delia’s heart stilled. She clenched her hands, to stop herself putting them over her ears. She had to be strong and listen to the doctor.

  “Your husband is very ill. The exposure to freezing temperatures have taken a toll.”

  Delia whimpered. “Oh Conor.” Aside from his white hair, he didn’t appear to be injured, just sleeping.

  The doctor put a comforting arm on her shoulder. “He’s a strong young man, a fighter. While there is life there is hope.”

  The doctor shut the cabin door behind him.

  “Did you hear that, Conor? I can’t live without you. I want the life you promised me. I want our children to grow up with a loving father. Fight, Conor, don’t you dare leave me.”

  She lay on the bed beside him, warming his body with hers.

  * * *

  Conor Brennan opened his eyes to speak but he couldn’t. He could hear his wife’s voice and wanted to speak to her, but his brain wasn’t working. The urge to sleep was overwhelming and he didn’t have the energy to fight it. Every bone in his body ached. He let the darkness swallow him up.

  * * *

  After four that afternoon, the doctor came back to check on Conor. He took a while examining him. Delia couldn’t breathe. Was it bad news?

  “He was lucky. We just buried four men. They, like your husband, were pulled from the sea.”

  Delia stifled a sob, staring at Conor. The doctor’s ears turned red as he apologized.

  “Forgive me, Mrs. Brennan. I didn’t mean to speak so plainly. It’s been a very long day. Your husband is fighting hard. Don’t lose hope now.” And then the doctor was gone.

  Chapter 50

  Tuesday

  Gerry found Davy and a number of his other friends on the Carpathia. He was pleased to see Fred Barrett.

  “Morning, Gerry. Glad to see you made it.”

  “Thanks, sir. We got lucky.”

  Barrett nodded and making his excuses left the group. Gerry glanced at Davy.

  “Have you seen Tommy?”

  Davy shook his head.

  “Has anyone?”

  None of the group met his eyes. Gerry’s heart sank. How would he tell Jean and her mam?

  “There was only seven hundred or so saved. We’re the lucky ones.” Davy said. “My brother didn’t survive.”

  Gerry kicked himself. He’d forgotten Davy’s brother was on board. “I’m sorry, mate.”

  Davy sucked on his cigarette. Then he threw the butt into the ocean. “Did you hear Lightholler went down with the ship but then managed to swim for it?”

  “No. That’s good news. He has a kid. A girl I think.” Gerry wondered why Davy looked angry. Surely, he didn’t begrudge the officer his survival. Davy lit another cigarette, his shaking hands making it difficult.

  “He’d a better chance than the French and Italian staff from the restaurants who were locked into their quarters. They had no chance.”

  Gerry’s chest ached. His mind raced and it took a few seconds to protest. “Davy, that has to be a rumor. No one would do that.”

  Davy looked him straight in the eyes. “Wouldn’t they?”

  Gerry couldn’t respond. From what he’d seen happen in the last twenty-four hours, what did he know about how people would react?

  “Gerry, how are you going to manage without wages? I have me mam to think about.”

  Gerry shrugged. “I guess Jean and I will have to wait to get married. I had some money saved for the house. We can live on that if necessary. Tommy supported his mam, so I will have her to look after too.”

  Gerry’s stomach rumbled. “Want to go find something to eat? You smoke too much.”

  Davy took a drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke at Gerry. “You sound like me mother. You go on. I need to be alone.”

  Gerry didn’t push him. He had to find the surviving Titanic officers. They’d be able to tell him how soon he could get back to England.

  The officers, Pittman, Lowe, Boxhall and Lightholler were chatting together near the First Class deck. They looked at Gerry as if had grown two heads when he came up to speak to them.

  Fifth Officer Lowe addressed him. “We’ve spoken to most of the crew and taken notes. Your turn will come soon enough.” Lowe turned his back.

  Gerry struggled to keep a civil tone. “I have some questions of my own, sir.” How dare these men treat him like something the cat dragged in when they had just gone through a similar ordeal?

  But no matter how he phrased the question, Gerry found them reluctant to answer. They seemed to want to make sure the men were going to follow the White Star official policy.

  Second Officer Lightholler, obviously had had enough of him.

  “The entire crew will disembark together when the time comes. We will be put aboard the George Starr, a U.S. immigration service tender. They will take us to Pier Sixty where we will join our ship to go back to England. The White Star Line has arranged for cabins on the Red Starline SS Lapland for our trip back home. Good afternoon, Walker.”

  Gerry had no choice but to walk away otherwise he would cause a scene. Although tempted he glanced to his right and saw all the grieving First Class passengers, mainly women, and children. He couldn’t add to their stress.

  He walked back to where he had left Davy. People’s reactions to a scene ahead of him jolted him out of his thoughts. He spotted a few of the crew sporting lifejackets drawing gasps of horror from the Titanic passengers.

  Davy and Gerry stared at the spectacle. “What the heck are they doing?”

  Davy rolled his eyes. “Seems some rich guy by the name of Lord Duff-Gordon wants a photograph of all those who were in the boat with him.”

  “But there’s only twelve of them,” Gerry spluttered, he couldn’t help feeling the photograph was in extremely bad taste. The sight of lifejackets had upset a number of the passengers.

  “That’s all of them that were in the boat. It should have held forty. The rich guy promised each man a five-pound note.”

  Stunned Gerry turned to Davy, “You mean he bribed them to save him?”

  Davy shrugged his shoulders. “Someone said it was to buy new kit.”

  Gerry knew it didn’t cost fiv
e pounds to buy a new uniform. He stared at the people taking the photograph. The crew members looked uncomfortable, but Lady McDuff-Gordon and her maid didn’t seem to notice. He turned away in disgust and decided to take a walk farther along the deck.

  Chapter 51

  Delia swung from anger to fear for the next twenty-four hours. She refused to leave the cabin to rest, terrified Conor would die alone. Some of the other passengers brought her food and Kate sat with Conor while Delia needed a break.

  Two men came to see if Conor had recovered, both were second class passengers.

  “Your husband saved my life, missus. I was swimming on my back and bumped into his boat. He pulled me on board with his own hands.” The man rubbed his coat sleeve across his eyes. “Because of him, I get to see my boy grow up. I don’t know how to thank you.”

  “No thanks are needed. Conor has always been like that.”

  “Same for me, missus. Didn’t think I had a chance, the water were that cold.”

  Delia let them talk trying to keep her face expression less. Shame engulfed her as hearing their stories made her angry not proud. She listened as they told her, Conor had been a hero, pulling people from the ocean onto the half-submerged collapsible he had found. She was proud of him and furious at the same time. It was in his nature to help others and she loved him for it but it had nearly cost him his life.

  “Kate, there you are,” Delia greeted Kate as she walked into the cabin which was now rather crowded. “Thank you, gentlemen for coming to visit. I will let Conor know.”

  The men exchanged glances but left. Kate looked after them, a curious expression on her face.

  “Sorry Kate, you must think I am horrible but I couldn’t take any more. They are the men Conor saved. I wanted to scream at them. Conor is lying here because he helped others.”

  Delia flung herself at Kate, who held her as Delia allowed the tears to come.

  “Delia, you have to get some sleep. You’ve been through an ordeal too.”

  Delia pulled herself together. Using a hanky, she dabbed her nose. “I’m fine. Just a bit emotional.”

  “You missed the service yesterday, Delia. The captain arranged for a man, not a priest, to say some prayers.”

  Delia barely listened, her eyes glued to Conor’s face.

  Kate whispered. “I envy you.”

  “Me? Why?”

  “You know what happened to your man. I hope he survives but at least you will know. My…” Kate couldn’t continue but burst into tears.

  Immediately guilt overwhelmed Delia. She wasn't the only one suffering. She put her arms around her friend and let her cry on her shoulder.

  “I’m sorry, Kate. I’ve been so selfish. I didn’t ask you about Daniel and Seamus. Is there no hope?”

  Kate shook her head. “When you found Conor, I let myself hope for an hour or so, but the crew confirmed all the lifeboats had been traced. There won’t be any more survivors. Nobody could have lasted this long in that freezing water.”

  “I am so sorry, Kate.” Delia knew she was repeating herself but what could she say.

  “Daniel loved me, asked me to marry him. I should have said yes. He could have died happy. I don’t even know how he died or whether they will find his body.” Tears ran down Kate’s face. Delia drew her friend down to the seat beside Conor’s bed.

  “I don’t know what to say to you, Kate only I’m sorry.”

  “Daniel saved my life, he gave me his sweater. I was so cold, and he insisted. That’s probably what killed him. He couldn’t have lasted long in the water.”

  “Kate don’t do that to yourself. A sweater wouldn’t have made any difference. The water was too cold. Daniel helped save your life that’s all you should think about. He loved you and you are alive. You have to live your life for the both of you. Where will you go when we dock?”

  “In New York? I don’t really know. I was supposed to live with Cathy and her other sister, but Bridie doesn’t want me. She didn’t want me before now and she definitely won’t want me now. If Cathy had been traveling with just Seamus, he could have had my seat in the lifeboat. He would have been saved.”

  Delia’s heart went out to her friend. “No, Kate, that’s not the way it worked and you know that. It was women and children first. He died because he was a man.”

  “Yeah, a poor one. Look at how many rich men lived!” Kate’s fierce response shook Delia.

  “Kate you are grieving and it's natural you are looking for someone to blame but the reality is this ship is full of women thinking just like you. From Mrs. Astor right down to myself. If Conor had been in a boat, he wouldn’t be lying here now. If there hadn’t been a huge iceberg, if there had been more lifeboats. It’s all if’s and if we keep thinking like that it will drive us batty.”

  Chapter 52

  Delia prayed and prayed wondering all the time if this was her punishment for running away with Conor. Her aunt had cursed them both. Was he paying for her sins?

  Kate came into the cabin. “Delia, take a break and go for a walk on deck to get some fresh air. If you keep this up, you will be dead on your feet when Conor wakes up. Go on with you. I will get you if he wakes up.”

  Delia gave the girl a grateful hug. She needed some fresh air, being below deck all the time was stifling. She strolled finding out just how exhausted she was. Every bone in her body ached but it meant she was alive, didn’t it? She was surprised to find the visibility was very poor due to a fog surrounding the ship.

  A sailor looked up as she walked past. “We are coming close now, missus. Should be docking day after tomorrow if everything goes according to plan.”

  Delia nodded in response. She gripped the handrail straining to see something. Then she heard her name being called. A breathless Kate ran up to her.

  “Delia, Conor’s awake and asking for you.”

  “I’m coming,” Delia made her way as fast as she could to the cabin. Her heart beat faster as she pushed open the door. Conor’s eyes were open and when he saw her, he smiled.

  “Conor, you’re awake. Oh, thank God! You’re finally awake.”

  “Delia,” Conor whispered. His voice shook. He tried to sit up.

  “Shush, don’t talk. Conserve your strength. The doctor said to call him when you woke up. I’ll go get him.”

  “I’ll go, Delia, you stay with your husband.” Kate was gone before she could say anything.

  Delia gripped Conor’s hand.

  “Kiss me,” he whispered.

  She kissed him as the tears of joy ran down her face. “I love you, Conor Brennan. Here, let me help you sit up.”

  When the doctor arrived the look on his face, when he saw Conor sitting up, was priceless. Conor didn’t have much energy, but his color was brighter.

  “You are a fighter, Mr. Brennan. I didn’t think you would make it, but I am very glad to be proved wrong.”

  “Thank you, doctor.”

  The doctor did some checks, in particular of Conor’s fingers and toes.

  “The moment we dock, I’m sending you to the hospital. The freezing water and exposure have taken its toll. I would prefer it if you were kept under observation for a few days. Your circulation needs to improve in order to prevent permanent damage.”

  “He’ll do whatever you say, doctor. Thank you so much.”

  The doctor nodded and left. Kate hadn’t returned.

  “Conor, we are so lucky,” Delia said as she lay beside him.

  * * *

  Conor struggled to speak.

  “Shush, Conor, we can talk later. Rest now.”

  He couldn’t rest. Every time he closed his eyes, he was back in the water.

  “It was like being stabbed by a thousand knives. Never did I feel cold like it. The shock seemed to force the air out of my lungs, I had to fight against blacking out. All I could think of keeping my promise to you. I wasn’t going to let you arrive in America alone.”

  Tears ran down her face. He tried to wipe them away, but he could
n’t lift his hand. He gripped her fingers. “I love you, Delia.”

  She kissed his face and then his hands. “Oh, Conor, I thought I’d lost you. I’ll never leave you again.”

  “I don’t plan on being in another shipwreck, do you?” He tried to joke but it was too soon. Their eyes met, both glistening with unshed tears. He didn’t have the strength to keep talking. He closed his eyes, not releasing his hold on her hand.

  Chapter 53

  T hrilled her friends had survived, Kate couldn’t help but hope the news would help Cathy, too.

  Wrinkling her nose at the smell of sickness and closing her ears to the sound of retching, the patients obviously feeling the effects of the rough seas, she found her way to Cathy’s bedside.

  “Cathy, I have the best news. Conor survived the sinking. Delia is with him. He’s very sick.”

  Cathy didn’t even blink. Kate couldn’t hold back the tears.

  “Cathy, talk to me please.”

  A woman screamed. Kate jumped up and rushed to help. She saw a couple of women shrink back in terror. Their would be attacker, held a club in her hands. “I want to die, and you’ll help me.”

  The older woman’s feet were bandaged, rendering her immobile. The younger woman moved in front.

  “Leave mam alone. She’s been through enough. Go away.”

  “If you do not help me, you die,” the mad woman shouted.

  Kate looked around but there were no men available. As Kate took a step closer, the club-wielding woman caught sight of her.

  “You want to die too?” she shouted.

  “No, but I understand you feel you need to. I will help you.”

  The women looked at her in disbelief. “You will?”

  “Yes, but you must leave these women be. They can’t help you. If you are intent on committing suicide you really ought to do so in a ladylike manner.” Kate mimicked Delia’s accent as she spoke hoping it would convince the woman she was upper class.